Troblem Solver 2022
From First Aid Spray episode 055: Resident Evil Netflix - Part Two. This page best displays on desktop.
Intro
It is exactly 22:17ish on a warm night in the height of the American summer. You, and your two colleagues within the BSAA Bravo Team, have been sent on a tracking mission. A famous name within the world of bioterrorism has gone missing and it’s up to you to track them down and gather information on their current status.
Why exactly the BSAA sent you is unknown. Renowned for creating a mess and endangering lives, perhaps they think that this mission will see you off and they won’t have to worry anymore.
You descend from your helicopter directly down onto a moving train because, much like a Paul W.S. Anderson film, if you don’t understand the laws of physics then you don’t have to adhere to them. Climbing aboard the moving locomotive, you find the train compartment eerily quiet. There are signs of distress - a briefcase has been smashed in two and its contents are strewn across the floor, the arm of a seat is pulled right off its hinges, a mutilated corpse with bite marks in its arms and legs lay in a pool of blood - but nothing out of the ordinary.
Moving to the next car, you are set upon by the outstretched arms and gnashing teeth of an undead ghoul. One of you fires shots from your sidearm (the Samurai Edgelord) into its body, but it doesn’t slow him down. Another of you then aims, squeezes the trigger and blasts their head to pieces. The last of you stands picking your nose. Either way, you know their weak spot now.
You know, the weak spot of every creature: the brain. Bright lot, aren’t you.
Reaching the driver’s compartment, you find that the train is hurtling towards the old estate up in the mountains.
Do you:
Do nothing and let the train crash in the general vicinity of an aristocrat's abode? Go to 1.
Hit the big button that says “REverse”. Go to 2.
1
Surviving the crash thanks to convenient plot armour, you climb from the wreckage of the train into the princely estate. It is a beautiful building, although you find that it has a lot of brown and green going on and not a lot else. As you explore forwards you find yourself in a stairwell covered in paintings, famously on loan from the local city museum.
Up the creaking staircase you venture, taking notice of bloodstains and scratches into the wallpaper. Three long rips, like a claw has torn through them, are of particular concern.
Thump-thump-thump-thump. A pounding sound echoes down the hall. The hairs on your neck stand tall, but it all goes quiet. You turn, and continue your slow cautious walk through the mansion’s corridors.
Thump-thump-thump-thump. You hear it again. Louder, it grows closer to you. Whatever it is… is hunting you.
Thump-thump-thump-thump. One of you, leading up the rear, turns and screams as something launches itself from the shadows towards you! However, as it reaches the light you see that it is nothing more than a cheap, black-and-white puppet of something that almost but not quite resembles a doberman. It opens its mouth to bark, but instead a stock monster noise comes out. It’s quite pathetic really, and you grab the well-equipped mansion’s closest fire extinguisher to beat the poor thing to death.
As you explore you find that the train crashing into the side of the mansion has conveniently shaken the house in such a way that all the locks on the doors have broken. This means you can get to the main foyer quickly.
You learn through reading diaries along the way that this mansion is the front for an evil corporation. The question is, did your target come through here? And where did they go next? Did they return to the city to report this news? Or decide to take the fight to the company’s secret base?
It’s time to consult your intuition.
Do you:
Believe your target went to the city? Go to 3.
Think your target went to the secret base? Go to 5.
2
You decide to hit the big, red “REverse” button after exactly 539 days of waiting around.
When you do, the train stops completely dead, throwing you about the cabin and you all accidentally paint the windows with your lunch. One of you guesses that another of you had a tuna melt that day. They are correct. The vehicle then suddenly springs back to life, at the same speed as before, but in the opposite direction.
Eventually, your doom train crashes into its destination station and you clamber out of the wreckage looking no worse for wear. However, the city you find yourself in is in a state of collapse. The streets are dotted with more of the zombie-like creatures you encountered previously but thankfully you are able to navigate around their slow and lumbering movements because they haven’t had their Weetabix yet. You dread to think what zombies are like once they’ve had breakfast.
You decide to take refuge in a rather imposing old building emblazoned with the letters RPD. You assume this stands for “Really Pleasant Domicile” and one of you is excited about the idea about their potentially being a Brevel out back and having a toastie. This entry is weirdly food-centric. Sorry, I’m writing this at lunch time.
Your intuition tells you your target has definitely been here and so you make your way through what appears to be an old museum. Not soon after you arrive, you are set upon by a twisted beast. With an exposed brain and an endless tongue, it springs from the ceiling down in front of you hissing and drooling. Because you are all stupid, you forgot to open your inventories to reload after battling zombies outside. One of you reaches into your pocket and throws towards the ground a spare dog biscuit. The creature is pleased. You name it “Licky” and it is now your best friend.
Whilst exploring the building you find journals and reports that indicate that this city was completely under the control of a bioterrorist organisation. You wonder what that means for your target. One particular report mentions a secret base.
Do you:
Think “nah, sod this” and leave the country for Europe? Go to 4.
Take the helicopter on the roof to the secret base? Go to 5.
3.
It’s a long walk back to the city but you decide that that’s the correct course of action so you begin the long hike. Halfway there one of you desperately needs a toilet break and you find an old cardboard box to piss on. You call it the pissbox. Another of you thinks this is a cheap way to include a First Aid Spray meme. You are not wrong.
When you finally arrive in the city, you find your watches have stopped working. It’s a pleasant coincidence, because time doesn’t appear to have passed either. You assume that’s for the sake of plot convenience and think nothing more of it. After all, the state of the city is a far more pressing concern.
Once a busy metropolis, the town has an eerie quietness to it. There is destruction everywhere you look. Cars have smashed into each other to make interestingly small corridors through the streets and fires stop you from progressing down certain alleyways. As you pass through a dilapidated parking garage, the ground begins to shake. Out of the concrete smashes forth a gargantuan worm. This huge caterpillar stands between you and the exit. This giant bug is holding you hostage. It is, in some ways… a Grubkeeper.
Before you can devise a plan of action, the worm explodes into chunks of steaming flesh. In its place stands a good friend of yours. Some people think he’s weird: he wields a rocket launcher, wraps himself in bin bags and is very open about his love of the BDSM kink but you and the Leather Daddy always look out for each other.
To that end, you ask your friend for information on your target. He has two different ideas on where they might be. You and Leather Daddy promise to catch up at some point. You’ve been saying that every few years though, because adult life is funny like that.
Do you:
Follow the thinking that your target was last seen in Africa? Go to 6.
Believe that they’ve retired to a private island? Go to 7.
4.
You collectively agree to give up the search. You’ve seen too much already, and you’ve accrued plenty of annual leave.
In the nearby town of Delucia, you catch a red-eye flight to Europe. You don’t know exactly where you’re going, as for some reason the tickets don’t say anything other than the name of the continent. In fact, when you ask a bearded flight-attendant they respond in a Midlands accent simply with the words “Not Spain”.
Once you arrive, you retire to your holiday shack in a small countryside village but that night things go awry. Your next door neighbours start playing really loud music and yelling the lyrics in gargled Spanish. You think maybe this is Spain after all, but it doesn’t matter all that much when suddenly you are attacked by evil residents. Clearly possessed, as you fire off their heads with well placed shots, wiggling parasites come sprouting forth. No, not Resident Evil gatekeepers, the more literal version of the word parasite.
Racing about the place for like 15 ½ hours, you spend the night killing hundreds of locals and some guy in a funny cloak reminds you to stay hydrated. That’s nice of him.
The next morning, President Graham lands in the area to congratulate you on your efforts. Impressed, he proposes a partnership with the US Government. You help them with a worldwide bioterrorism issue, and they offer you information about your target.
Do you:
Fly to China to assist the Government? Go to 11.
Reveal you’ve been working behind everyone’s backs the entire time? Go to 12.
5.
You climb aboard the helicopter and ride off into the sunrise. Really cheesy music swells and credits begin to play for a moment before the director cuts it off because this isn’t the end.
The coordinates for the secret base lead you way out of civilization to the Antarctic. As you get closer to your destination, you fly over snow drifts, frozen lakes and a burned out outpost with two men competing in an intense staring contest. Finally you touch down at the frozen warehouse and make your way inside.
Almost immediately heavy machine gun fire rings out across the room and you all duck for cover. One of you aims and takes out the search-light below it and a voice calls out “WAH! Don’t shoot!” Coming down the stairs to meet you, a teenage boy apologies to you about “that little misunderstanding”. Suddenly, and in the most contrived way possible, he is suddenly ripped in two by a gigantic spider that climbs out from under the ice. It’s very impressive CGI for the budget.
Seeing your chance to escape, you all leg it.
Deeper into the freezing cold base you go, until you happen upon a rather out of place caravan. The absolute unit manning the stall, after hearing the commotion says “it’s a pleasure to see you safe!”. The large, mysterious, barefooted man seems like he knows a thing or two so you all decide to ask him if he knows anything about your target.
He’s heard many things but he can’t be sure…
Do you:
Investigate the mysterious village? Go to 8.
Investigate the prison island? Go to 9.
Investigate the laboratory under the forest? Go to 10.
6.
It seems unlikely that the last time anyone saw your target was over ten years ago in Africa but you go ahead and check it out just in case. Leather Daddy seems to know his stuff. He also does the thing that those Pianta guys do in Mario Sunshine where he strong arms you all and throws you and you get there instantly because I couldn’t be bothered to think of a better way.
It’s a hot day in Western Africa, nearly as hot as the UK in July 2022, and you realise that simply being told that your target is somewhere in an entire country isn’t all that useful.
You wander through the savannah for a while but the heat gets too much. You’re parched, you don’t even remember the last energy drink you had, and you think you’re hallucinating. Ahead you see a stone house with what appears to be a rainbow flag hanging from the window.
As you get closer you realise it’s real. Desperate for a drink and some shadow, you make your way inside to find your target: Jill Valentine.
She’s there with her wife, Sheva Alomar, and even more surprisingly Chris Redfield and Piers Nivens. It’s a big gay tea party in the African savannah. Jill explains that she went into hiding a long time ago as she was hearing a lot of weird stuff about cringey Redfield Bloodline jokes and decided that she’d had enough.
The group of you have a lovely afternoon debating which Resident Evil boxart is the best one and ranking them. You all collectively agree that Gun Survivor 2 is the worst.
Congratulations, you got the queer ending!
7.
You take Leather Daddy’s advice regarding the private island and not just because it sounds a hell of a lot better than this burned out city. Each one of you climbs inside his rocket launcher and he fires you halfway across the world because it’s a super powered weapon that’s really powerful especially against airline prices.
The private island is a beautiful place; shining white beaches, wonderful clear waters and lush with plants you’ve never seen before. As you venture into the jungles beyond, you find that nowhere in this world is safe and come across the mutated form of a moray eel. Way oversized and with a gigantic eyeball on its shoulder, your puny weapons seem to do nothing against it.
“I got dis bitch” a strong Russian accent calls out and tears through the monster’s flesh with a gatling gun. You have found your target: Nicholai Zinoviev.
The greying, shirtless mercenary rides a horse over to you to make sure you’re alright. He explains that in the years since he was a part of the bioterrorism black market he has used his ill gotten gains to buy an island and live a mostly comfortable life eating beans and playing all the great video games of the past, such as Excalibur 2555AD on the PlayStation 1.
Confused by this, one of you remarks that the recent PS5 and Xbox One update to Resident Evil 3 actually removed the additional helicopter from the ending cutscene, thus implying Nicholai’s fate was sealed and he couldn’t escape.
Your target disappears in a puff of time paradox.
Congratulations, you got the happiest ending of the lot. And you own a private island now. Bully for you.
8.
The caravan owner invites you inside and you all comply. You have a little nap and by the time you’ve woken up find yourselves in the Eastern European village. Handy!
You make your way through the town, crunching snow underfoot, looking at all the high definition graphics and ray-tracing. The town seems frozen in time, left behind by the rest of the world, and somehow connected in a very tenuous way to everything else. In the distance a large, imposing castle casts an imposing shadow that for some reason makes you want to simp.
Coming across a stone bridge, you see a man in a black coat smoking a cigarette like he did that one time in the original game.
You have found your target: Chris Redfield.
However, all is not well. As the moon peeks from behind the clouds, Chris pushes you all away from him, demanding that you run for your lives. You’re not quite sure what’s going on, or why he sounds so much like Carlos Oliviera, but as he curses the full moon Chris’ body begins to change. Larger, meaner and hairier than ever before; the wolf that was once Chris Redfield bounds towards you. No offers of a Manscaped discount can get you out of this one…
Congratulations, you got the false advertising boxart ending!
9.
The caravan owner knocks you over the head with something that he calls the LZ Answerer but you know full well is just one of those light swords from Battlestar Galactica.
You wake up days later, groggy and locked in a cell. You call for help and bang on the bars until, eventually, torch-light illuminates the corridor.
You have found your target: Claire Redfield.
You beg for her to free you but she only looks glumly at you. “Sorry”, she explains “I can’t do that. You don’t know where you are, huh?”
The torch in her hand has lit the passage more. You all look out of the cell to see you are part of a long block. Figures move in the cages around you, coming closer to the bars. The first you see is a ginger man with a scar on his face. In the cage besides his, a small child in a white dress with an evil, possessed grin on her face. On the other side, a rugged man who’s a bit like Barry Burton but more European.
You look directly across into the cell opposite your own to find a woman with a pixie cut in medical garb looking like she’s given up on her hope of ever escaping.
“Sorry” Claire explains again “This is where we’ve been told to keep you… like everybody else.”
You begin to scream, realising your fate is to be locked underground forever. Claire looks at you, frustrated.
“Alright, stop complaining, it’s not all about you. How did you think I felt about locking Sherry Birkin down here?”
Congratulations, you got the forgotten ending. Sorry about that. Go for a walk or something to cheer yourself up. I’m sure it’ll all be fine.
10.
The caravan owner hands you all vials of strange liquid to drink. They’re labelled “RE:Verse”. You wonder if the writer realises they’ve used the same joke twice. And then, by acknowledging it, conclude that they are either just lazy or think they’re funnier than they actually are.
Guzzling the contents of the bottles causes you to all pass out. The merchant definitely doesn’t draw fake moustaches on you whilst you’re asleep. You wake up in a familiar forest, standing in front of a strange stone block. An opening in the stone reveals a staircase and, descending it, leads you to a laboratory.
Inside, you find your target: Albert Wesker. That’s right, your Dad.
You are, of course, Billie Wesker, Jade Wesker and SUBJECT NOT FOUND Wesker. The strange cloned daughter sort of things of the world’s biggest egomaniac and bioterrorist. Collectively you have always agreed that you wished Bert was your Dad but we don’t get to choose.
Your Father congratulates you on making it this far but regrets to inform you that your story may have been cancelled due to general audience disinterest. You remark that you’ll always at least have episode 5 to enjoy.
Suddenly, a woman in a small red dress smashes her way down the stairs on a motorbike, screams “MY NAME IS ALICE” and throws doors at you, killing the Wesker family dead.
Congratulations, you got the inevitability ending.
11.
You are given the incredible opportunity to fly in the President’s own Air Force One to your greatest battle in China. Apparently the person you’ve been looking for is out here somewhere. As you approach a not at all fictional Chinese city, you see the devastation and - more than that - a giant fly-like monster.
Dropping to the ground like those Action Man figures that came with the parachutes, you find a man that has taken it upon himself to use a piece of metal to electrocute the creature in an extremely contrived way.
You have found your target: Leon S. Kennedy.
After what feels like sixteen hours of fighting, the man explains that the beast was apparently a really interesting US Government agent before he became a T-Rex and you wonder if all the years has gotten to the guys’ head. He seems genuinely tired and when you offer to lend an ear he expresses that he’s sick of starring in average at best CGI films. Just one time he’d like to be in one where he doesn’t do a whole lot and gets to have a nap or something.
Just as he’s done commiserating, Capcom execs come onto the scene, throw a bag over his head and whisk him away. You hear one of them say something like “yeah if we remake that one, it’ll be big bucks”. Leon doesn’t even struggle, he knows it’s useless to resist.
Congratulations, you found the washed-up hero ending. But hey! Resident Evil 4 Remake should be fun!
12.
Drawing your sidearms in the blink of an eye, one of you takes President Graham hostage. Another of you laughs manically. The last one says something about an inferno of hate.
President Graham, confused and terrified, asks what the meaning of this all is. You tell him that he’s coming with you and that you will show him the truth. Dragging him away from his security you climb aboard his private helicopter and make your way to your secret base, underneath the ocean. The president’s helicopter is special and can fly underwater which is a lucky set of circumstances.
In the submarine base, you reveal that the target that you were sent to find was in fact: Ada Wong. The reason why you were all sent specifically? You are all clones of Carla Radames, herself a clone of Ada Wong. Sorry for the spoilers if you haven’t played RE6 but it’s been ten years. You’ve had plenty of time.
You explain to the President how you have been following in Ada Wong’s footsteps with your own extremely complicated but insanely interesting history; how you worked all these different companies and characters in the canon for your own gain and your own goals. He’s shocked and amazed at what they are, and whatever they are, they are definitely worth waiting for 25 years to hear.
Congratulations, you got the ending that doesn’t really have an ending. It’s Ada Wong, what did you expect? Answers?