“Troblem Solver by Steve, Age 35”
From First Aid Spray 045: Trivia Challenge Round 3. This page best displays on desktop.
Welcome dear adventurer, you are ORIGINAL CHARACTER, a unique and truly special being who for writer convenience has a backstory so compelling that due to the nature of this quest we would be spending far too long going into it. You’re awesome and that’s all that matters.
Mostly. You are also known for your Very Decisive decision making. Let’s see how long that lasts.
You are currently on a manhunt for a truly evil and mysterious man, who is known of only two things: he’s a bad poet, something about fear and terror, and he’s mega big. Like Absolute Unit. Like The Biggest Lad you’ve ever seen. You’re hunting the mythical beast: Jason.
Okay with a name like that its rather mundane but bare with.
And so our adventure begins, with you entering down the main street of a suspicious Small Town. It’s early evening, but the where there should be revellers, the usual hustle and bustle, instead people move in hushed and worried tones, glancing nervously as if something would strike from the dark. Or at the very least, pontificate at them.
As if to contrast the almost empty main street…
You see just two lit up businesses. One appears to be some kind of art gallery with a strange hunched figure inside and the other a run of the mill delivery company. Both are your only real course to finding out where your quarry has gone, what with the whole people avoiding you and whatnot.
So Choose: do you enter A1. The Gallery, of B1. The Delivery company?
A1. The Gallery
You enter the gallery to be immediately set upon by a short hunched bald man with a wild look in his eyes. He appears to be the owner.
“Do YOU seeketh the knowledge of the GREAT ANDY?”
The man is clearly strange, but not obviously hostile. Before replying, you glance the building foyer and GASP… oh my Gosh! iIt’s surrounded by framed screenshots of… Andy Holland from Resident Evil Survivor?? There’s even a rather crude life-sized paper mâché sculpture of the character in the centre as a display piece. The odd gentleman has a camera in his hand and gestures at you.
“I ask you again stranger… do YOU seeketh the knowledge of the GREAT ANDY?”
You see the man’s name badge. His name is Stan.
You think on the best response.
Do you A2. Seeketh the knowledge of the GREAT ANDY, or B2. Crush the sweet odd fellow’s dreams?
A2. Seekth the Knowledge of the GREAT ANDY
The moment the words left your mouth you had no idea what was going to happen. For the next four hours you are regaled with tale after tale of the narrative significance of that one short Janitor bloke from the light gun Resident Evil game. Eventually your mind begins to shatter and becomes open to new possibilities, as long as those possibilities relate to being a rotund bloke who likes to take creepy photos of some randomer knocking about town. You see the potential in writing a fictional biography Wikipage and begin to frantically google him so as to further bolster your knowledge.
It’s all a bit cringe if we’re being honest.
As for ANDY’s KNOWLEDGE, your newly opened minds eye flashes a vision of Jason heading to a woodland area nearby. This new power may not be very sensible but at least it’s convenient.
Stan for his part looks confused. He just likes RE Survivor. You nod and make your leave for the woods.
Go to A4: The Woods.
A3. Ask about Jason
Staying remarkably on task the foreman frowns slightly. Clearly they wanted to go over their shipping manifest in more detail than would likely be appropriate for a pick your own adventure short story considering the time limit.
“No nonsense and to the point eh? Fair enough. They headed to the woods. Something about a monster and a tattooed madman. Oh and Fear. Terror. There was a whole bit but my eyes glazed over. I don’t watch Star Wars.”
They then get very close and whisper.
“We don’t deliver out to those woods. Strange things are going on, like monsters or sommat.”
Your eyebrow raised, and with steadfast determination to complete your quest troblem free- you head for the woods.
Go to A4: The Woods.
A4. The Woods
Back outside, you follow street signs for a while looking for a footpath into the woods. The locals are still scurrying away in frantic whispers. You wonder how long the light will last. The sun is setting. All this talking to weirdos has also made you hungry. Fret not however, you were prepared with “Legally Distinct for the sake of licensing but for all intents and purposes Quavers”. They’re not the best crisps but they’re yours. And they’re totally not Chekov’s Gun.
While nomming down you hear a whirling, droning thud from the sky, seeing what appears to be some kind of helicopter with massive tanks on its undercarriage flying above you. Almost instinctively you chase after it as fast as you can! A moment passes and you see it coming to a hover pattern.
All of a sudden- WHOOOSH!
It drops one of its tanks. With a loud crack you feel the earth vibrate around you. “This is a jarring tonal shift to say the least” you say aloud to yourself.
Upon catching up now to the landing zone of the tank, you see that it landed at the entryway to the woods. In the distance is a huge silhouette charging off the horizon. You don’t know what it is but feel it is hunting the same things you are.
You decide how best to give chase. Do you A5: Stealthily shadow it from behind to observe it or B5: Sprint into the underbrush to try and get around it?
A5: Stealthily shadow it from behind to observe
Making sure to be discreet, you see the shape of a giant humanoid in a long trench-coat wearing what appears to be a fedora. You can tell almost immediately they aren’t friendly. Or fashion conscious.
Keeping pace, it enters a large clearing and proceeds to be accosted by strange and misshapen beings… MONSTERS!
You observe it deftly punching and rebounding its foes, but there are clearly too many as it begins to kneel and be pummelled from all sides. It can only be a matter of time before the being falls.
You skulk a little closer to get a better look at the creatures- they appear human but drenched in some almost neon translucent fluid - But oh no! It’s seen you! They begin to charge in your direction!
Gesturing to its fellows, some of the neon things break into a sprint at you. Do you A6: Fight the monsters or B6: Flee deeper into the wood
A6: Fight the monsters
With remarkable skill and talent you check your pockets for any viable weaponry. You find an abundance of loose change and a half empty crisp packet. Not to be outdone you throw your currency as though it were a ninja’s shuriken. It works as well as one would expect. You do manage to get one of them in the eye though. So uhhh... bully for you eh?
With little hope left you get ready to go hand to hand, when the giant roars. It starts to move extremely fast, punching and smashing the monsters to a mess of pulpy human and glow in the dark goo.
It then turns it’s head to you, cracks it’s neck and runs toward you.
Do you A7: Fight the big fella or B6: Flee deeper in the woods
A7: Fight the big fella
Almost instantly, the beast is upon you- before you can react, it has grabbed you by the skull and the last thing you hear is your own brain coming out your ears.
You Died! Come on, you tried to take on a giant fedora’d mutant man with 50p and half a pack of Quavers! Try running next time!
A8: The candle lit path
The candles being your only illumination do little to relax you. You senses have become odd.. You’re not sure what it is happening but something just feels… dark. Primordially evil.
After walking for what feels like forever, your vision begins to fade. You feel the wooden path fade away to metal and rust out from under you.
With a slow but threatening pulse your vision comes back. You are now in an elsewhere world. A strange twisted energy in the sky. Everything feels edgier. Which is saying something considering we’ve seen glow in the dark monster people. A voice rings out.
“You there. You’re not supposed to be here. Whatever realm you’ve walked in on. You should turn back.
Oh no.
It appears you’ve crossed over. At your feet lies the ruined remains of what resembles a policeman’s body. Giant holes pushed right through the chest. You hear very heavy footsteps.
Do you A9: Investigate the body. Or B7. Run.
A9: Investigate the body
You’re surprised you didn’t notice it before… why its only blooming Leon Kennedy innit! It must be said however much worse for wear. You search his belongings and find a great many things. A lighter. A toolbox. A piece of expired cake. An empty medical kit. With these new boons you are surely likely to…
Encounter a camping serial killer. It fully dawns on you: this was a trap. Within seconds what can only be described as a speed-walking masked loon in a boiler suit is setting themselves upon you. You never stood a chance.
Within seconds they overcome you, knocking you down and then hoisting you on some horrible device.
Your last moments have you trying in vain to resist a hook being slowly pushed into your chest. You were doing great on the skill checks but sadly, no help came. You are Dead by Daylight.
[CONGRATULATIONS YOU GOT THE DBD ENDING]
A10: Make a move to the hatch
With nearly no time to spare, you dive in, waving childishly at the polygonally headed thing as you do. You then begin to claw and crawl through a long dark tunnel until you once again see the night sky. Just in front of you however appears to be an awfully spooky looking mansion!
Go to B11: The Mansion.
A11: Take a chance with the portal
Diving head first into the portal, you feel yourself become almost elasticated: your body stretching and deforming in all the weirdest ways to put into a script. It’s like that bit from Into the Spiderverse. You vision whites out for a moment and you are at peace.
You contemplate your journey so far. No Jason. Weird glow in the dark monsters. Cartoons.
Then, suddenly: GUNFIRE. EXPLOSIONS. SHATTERED WOOD. It turns out you are in a warzone. You’re not sure who is fighting whom, it feels like everyone is trying to kill each other. Weird flying buses speed above you. It’s then you hear singing about something something tomato town- and then...
“Excuse me Newb. What skin is that?”
Turning around to see what appears to be Resident Evil 5’s Chris Redfield, with a soothing smile on his face. When you don’t answer, they raise what looks like some kind of toy shotgun at you. It looks like your time is up.
“RUN.”
As the gun fires, the last thing you see as your vision fades is a twerking Bananaman.
[CONGRATULATIONS. You got the FORTNITE ENDING]
A12: approach the old person.
It was then you knew… something was up. The old man giggles. It’s like that one bit from that one Saw film with the plot reveal except this time- Oh no. It’s only 90’s TV personality Noel Edmonds! He’s been behind this whole charade! My goodness- it’s then you see your boss Jason walking over to you with what appears to be some kind of small golden trophy.
“GOTCHA! You thought this was going to be some silly nonsense about fear leading to terror.”
You laugh, you cry, its a great time… and then you turn to see the hideous bioweapon: Mr Blobby. But before you can even say a word of thanks or fear, you’re slammed into a glass tank and dunked with gunge. The last thing you hear before you die is children’ss laughter mixed with BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY…
[Happy Ending]
B1. The Delivery Company
Inside it is indeed some kind of a shipping and delivery firm. In contrast to the dark moodiness and solemnity of outside, this place is oddly busy and lively, with numerous workers ferrying packages back and forth, all appearing very happy. The person in charge bustles over to you with a slight spring in their step, wearing a bright hi-vis and a hardhat and a beaming smile on their face.
“Hey there, looking to ship Valenfield? Chambertine? Cleve? Shake? We treat our work with the utmost care like it’s a heartfelt bond and a long lasting relationship! So what’d’ya need?”
As you look around you notice there seems to be a lot of folks chatting away in little cliques everywhere you glance, and no signs of delivery work being done.
The foreman begins to insist-
“Look buddy, I’ve got work to do so if your not here for some shipping I don’t know what to tell you.”
You mull your options. Do you A3. Ask about Jason or B3. Ask for shipping advice.
B2. Crush the sweet odd fellow’s dreams?
In what can only be determined as a wrathful flash you swiftly decapitate the papier mâché Andy and begin to refashion the structure into a crude facsimile of Quint Ketcham from Resident Evil Revelations. All the while chanting about how if RE needs a weirdo creep character it might as well be one who can build fancy gadgets and actually handle a gun. Stan recoils in agony. He sobs as it took him a good four hours to make that Andy statue.
Moments of silence pass. The madness that took you for the affront that the effigy of Andy is gone.
Finally… getting to the point… Stan asks
“Why are you here if not for the art?”
With a remarkable composure considering your unrestrained outburst you ask if they’ve seen Jason.
“I-I think he went into the woods after the monster. Though I think we both know who the real monster is.”
You take your leave and head for the woods.
Go to A4: The Woods.
B3. Ask for shipping advice.
Perhaps a total surprise but the next few moments are rather direct. With enthusiasm and gusto the foreman explains the rules and regulations regarding shipping.
The first step is to pick the box of an appropriate size for whatever you’re sending, The second step is to then pack your box with ideally with as little negative space as possible. Following this you need to apply a receipt address for the package. They also recommend choosing a mail service they’re comfortable with (though they are available). After that, its a case of calculating how much it will cost to ship, putting the appropriate stamp and setting it to ship.
You look up and down at the foreman. You are disappointed, and we’re expecting a joke regarding shipping in the fictional sense.
The next two minutes are an awkward silence until the entire depot makes out a hearty laugh.
“We don’t do that here! Try Archive of our Own or one of those fanfiction sites as a start.”
You turn to make your way out, but not before glancing an outgoings board filled with delivery destinations: no romance or pairings though, as it turns out, a clue!
An awful lot of deliveries seem to head the same place: the NHP Woodland reserve.
You make your leave and return the actual objective at hand. Still single and alone. Forever.
Go to A4: The Woods.
B5:Sprint into the underbrush
In an attempt to get around it, you’ve barrelled deep into the wood without a map or sense. Frantically you push ahead hoping to find your quarry.
Before too long your stumble into a clearing illuminated by floodlights. Strange humanoids mill around the place chanting some unrecognisable language. They appear to be mostly human, but covered in some glowing gel that has distorted their flesh into something Other.
Oh no! They’ve seen you! And what’s worse? The big humanoid! It’s followed you instead! The weird gel monsters charge you at you both!
Do you A6: Fight the monsters or B6: Flee deeper into the wood
B6: Flee deeper into the wood
You flee deeper into the wood. You run as fast as you can, smashing through branches and bounding off of trees until hopefully the only footsteps you hear are your own. Your heartbeat is thumping so loud in your ear you worry it might give you away. They’ve either lost interest or you’ve lost them. Either way you’ll be fine for now.
You give yourself a moment of pause and look up. The moon is high in the sky, the night has set in and taking stock you realise just how dark it’s getting. It’s then you notice right at your feet…
A pair Night Vision goggles. They appear to work and have a cute little tag on them. It reads “Fear X Terror isn’t Edgy. Love Mum”.
It seems your quarry has been here. Or at the very least their mother. A clue perhaps? Either way they should come in handy.
Looking forward you see two paths through the wood. One is dimly lit, almost hazy by candles upon the ground. The other path is much brighter, almost cartoonishly so, with what appears to be running water alongside and a passive glow. You feel a tonal shift is coming.
Do you take A8: The candle lit path or B9: The cartoonishly bright path.
B7: Run
Leaving the body behind you see you’re in some kind of twisted Wild West town. As you run you notice two teenagers flank you, apparently also running for their lives. They appear a touch on the more generic side but you can tell they have charm. And behind them, what’s been stalking you: it’s only Blooming PYRAMID HEAD INNIT.!
The severity of the situation dawns on you- how can a Silent Hill creature be here, in a Resident Evil themed podcast adventure story?!
Fortunately, as if to put your worries to rest, you see a open hatch on the floor.
Do you A10: Make a move to the hatch or B8: Slam some pallets.
B8: Slam some pallets.
You missed. All that time and preparation wasted. Fortunately, it seems Pyramid Head isn’t even that bothered. They paradoxically beat you to the ground and then throw you down the hatch anyway.
Inside, you fall for what seems like an eternity but then the weird environment shifts and the odd miasma in the air dissipates. You feel a renewed vigor and stand up taking stock of your surroundings. A few steps and you’ll be at the front door of what appears to be one of the most rustic mansions ever built. It looks very scenic.
Go to B11: The Mansion.
B9: The cartoonishly bright path
It’s peaceful. Almost serene to an obnoxious degree up the path. You know it’s a façade. It all feels somehow hollow. You don’t know how you know… but you know. You begin to smell something strange, like melting plastic, and its then you notice everything around all seems to have a strange reflective sheen. There is even a faint hint of friendly bird singing.
Finally after what feels like an age of walking in this strange place you see what appears to be the source of the twee cartoonishness. A rip in space and time. You can’t tell where it leads but it looks brightly lit. A colourless ribbon like energy rippling from it.
Do you A11: take a chance with the portal, or B10: avoid it as it looks too good to be true.
B10. Avoid it as it looks too good to be true.
Deftly. You tiptoe around the all too tempting portal and press on to the mansion exterior. Taking stock of your situation, you surmise this must be where Jason is. You’ve seen some weird neon monsters, a tyrant like thing and now what looks like a mansion way too posh to be in some scary woods.
Go to B11: The Mansion.
B11: The Mansion
You make for the front door and slowly poke your head through, it is a rather tasteful main hall- candles, fancy paintings- but there is a sign of a struggle. A body is upon the floor. Whoever they are they look old and aren’t moving.
Do you A12: approach the old person. Or B12: Wait to see if they move?
B12: Wait to see if they move.
…Nope. They ain’t moving. You get the feeling something is off though. They could be dead. You’d better go look.
Go to A12: approach the old person.