“Troblem Solver by Steve, Age 37”
From First Aid Spray 075: Trivia Challenge #5. This page best displays on desktop.
OH MY GOODNESS, IS IT THAT TIME AGAIN ALREADY? Feels like it's only been two years since the adventures of Original Character and that whole tomfoolery business. So as it turns out, your life has been very busy of late, monster hunting, spaceflight, fantasy, pizza… the very highest life surely.. BUT OH NO! You're due for a Podcast recording at the Podcast tower, unlike REALLIFEtm people, you need to do those things at the studio, not home! Its just not cricket your parental figure told you. Also like the silly goose that you are- what with the whole “more than one brain telling you what to do” thing- you’ve lost your only set of car keys ever so to get you’ve got to find an alternate means of travel. Fast.
The first idea that comes to mind is Hitchhike, it's theoretically free, and you could always save some pennies you tight git. You do browse your phone contacts briefly though and that button that says U.Ber looks reight tempting, for being in a rush like.
So what do you do? A1: Hitchhike or B1: Call U.Ber
A1: You have chosen to: Hitchhike
Foolishly, maybe one would say recklessly you strut out of your humble abode, it’s morning at somewhere street, Britain probably, you breathe in the crisp springsummerautumn air and stick your thumb out.
You stand there, seconds, minutes, seconds, minutes, time passes. You still cannot for the life of you figure out what the meeting is about. Your mind drifts.
In recent years your Powers of daydreaming have become legendary, some would even say downright whimsical. Able to take shape from the choices you make. What will you think about…
A2. The FUTURE or C1. THE PAST
A2. The FUTURE
Your eyes close, you think of what will become of the world, when we finally leave the cradle of earth. Spaceships, planets, lasers, big words like gravometric … intergalactic… indeterminate and virulent, but also small words like Scary… dark… cold… mid You can feel your mind bubbling with potential- for emphasis you decide to focus on:
A3. The Big Words or D. The Little Words
A3. The Big Words
Science fiction, its your bread and butter you think- some of your favourite films and videogames use it as the building block. OH NO, Your world crumbles around you, your house, the street- all gone. Matter shifts, light fades in and out as you feel a sense of round, purple vertigo. You pass out from the experience.
An unknown amount of time passes.
When you finally come to, your senses assault you with the smell of rotting meat, the sounds of screaming amidst neon buzzing and a feeling of tightness around your chest and legs.
Your eyes flap open. The sight? Your on some kind of hospital stretcher in a painted steel corridor, fancy neon lights, some working and some broken provide a little bit of light. The nearby sign is faded, but you can just make out the letters U S G.
Taking stock you can see you are tied down, but not too tightly. You feel if you push against the straps holding you, you can break free, though it’ll hurt like merry hell. You also begin to hear footsteps, whoever they are they must be big because they sound heavy. Like proper huge. You could call for help to you. Maybe. But what if they’re dangerous?
You mull over your choices, do you:
A4. Call to them for help or E. Break free.
A4: Call to them
Sometimes all you need is to ask- you yell “HELP, HELP ME PLEASE, PLEASE HELP” and the heavy footsteps begin to move faster, and get progressively louder. The dark metal corridor begins to be lit up by a moving green light, then two, then three.
“WHOA WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE IT'S NOT SAFE”
It’s then that you cannot believe your eyes, it's only that Isaac Clarke fella, complete with his space suit. You recognise him from Fortnite, being that games biggest fan. Not knowing what to say you just shrug meekly against the straps tying you down.
He raises his cool scifi gun looking doo-hickey and in what can only be described as the worst kind of workplace safety- he shoots the straps off. Centering yourself having just been shot at, he comforts you-
“GLAD I COULD HELP” he says, turning away from you to stomp a nearby crate.
“OOOH CREDITS. I LIKE CREDITS.”
Funny meeting him like this, but at least you met somebody- and that’s what this whole day was about you think. He looks back at you, and somehow, despite wearing a visored glowing helmet, winks at you.
Meta maybe indeed, but at least you're not Dead, in Space.
YOU HAVE UNLOCKED THE DEAD SPACE ENDING.
F1: Your gut
Your stomach rumbles, you know it's unhealthy but you crave a burger pretty badly. You flick down through the discord and notice that there still isn’t a #Food-discussion tab to your dismay. Knowing your already in the U.Ber, you ask if he can sort out some Eats. They seem enthusiastic, a quick nod and they reply
“YEAH BRAV, EATEN OR EAT AAHT”
The answer is simple you think. Do you:
F2: Eat-in or F3: Eat out.
F2: EAT-IN
Like some kind of powered engine, the mysterious driver of questionable accent drives through your local shopping precinct, you swear your taking off the ground as you look through you hands in shock. Then suddenly…
A flash of bright light, your no longer in the car. Your on a paddle boat, filled to the brim with harpoons, whats more there’s a strapping young lad with an out of date haircut in front of you. At least its scenic, your on a lake you think- the sun is setting too.
“Hi uhh is this the restr”
You struggle to say, as you accidentally knock a young lad who was throwing a harpoon from the boat at something on the water. You want to apologise for distracting the guy- but it might be too late already.
Something huge is swirling in the lake alongside the boat. The boat shakes. Oh no. The young lad might be-
SPLASH. Some kinda giant Salamander/catfish/lake demon erupts from the side of the boat, the side with the guy who just fell in. With barely a moment to spare you grab onto the boats powercord. It whirrs to life and within seconds you shred waves to get away. Landing on the lakeshore.
It’s then that you turn around to look back, when suddenly!! CHOMP
You have UNLOCKED: The Eaten by Del Lago ending.
F3: Eat out.
With a quick nod the driver hits the pedal to the metal. A flash of speed later you reach what you can only assume is the intended destination.
“ERE YA GO BRAV. FINEST EATS THIS SIDE OF EUROPE”
He gestures you out of the car. You go to get your wallet but as if lightning they’re gone just as quick they arrived.
Finally, back to business you take stock around you. From what you can see your in a charming little rustic hamlet. Valdelobos or something the sign says. The town square is filled with friendly townfolk, farmers and woodcutters you think. One of the locals gives you a glance.
They smile and give you a nod. They come up to you and hand you of all things a golden chicken egg. Your famished and so you eagerly gobble it down.
The villager smiles at you. You think you hear something about Bingo. But then the strangest thing. You hear words. Saddler Calls. Saddler Calls. Saddler Calls.
Your last rational thought is realising that your the one chanting them.
You have UNLOCKED: Join the illuminados Ending.
B1: Call U.Ber
You cannot possibly afford to be late, even if it costs money you have to make this meeting. Pressing the call button your almost taken aback with how quick they suddenly appear. It’s like make believe- you need something and it just appears, your very own deus ex machine or whatever. The car itself is one of those weird 2 door smart cars, silver. The driver, obscured by a large hat asks loudly in a thick british accent
“AWRIGHT MAYTE, WHERE WE GOIN”
You think about where you need to go, of course! the podcast meeting! But where is it?! Your instincts routinely fail but its an emergency! You know you have to go with either your head or your gut. So which is it?
B2: Your head or F1: Your gut
B2: Your head
“UHHH somewhere smart” … the words almost stumble out your mouth
“NO PROB MAYTE, GET IN”
No sooner are you sat in the car he shoots off at light speed, surely a good sign. You feel as though if you so much as blink you’ll be where you need to be.
“RIGHT MAYTE, HERE YAR. RATE 5 STARS OR I’M KICKIN YER TEEF”
Astounding. Efficient but threatening. That’s U.Ber alright.
Stepping out the smart car, it zooms off into the hazy glow of morning. You look up to finally see where you’ve landed. A theatre! One of those fancy things where people gather to watch other people act. Or so your told. It could be lies.
Looking at the schedule two choices click with you but you can only see one. Something called
B3: The Meeting, and something called B4: The Musical.
B3: The Meeting
Sneaking into the theatre you see packed seats, with a big sign saying “LIVE CHAT” about them. The people already sitting are chanting and cheering to the folks on stage, it’s those podcasters you work with! They’ve started the pre-show without you the cheeky sods.
Honestly its amazing you got here in the first place you think, well as much as you can in this world where a decision as light as turning left will irrevocably alter your fate-
“HELLO SURVIVORS AND WELCOME TO FIRST AID SPRAY, A RESIDENT EVIL PODCAST BY FANS FOR FANS” says Psy- before gesturing you to a seat at the table next to a comically large microphone.
You’ve made it. It’s time to Podcast- unfortunately its then you remember, we’re talking about the AndersonVerse tie-in release, Resident Evil REVerse 2: Retribution
You have UNLOCKED- THE SENSIBLE ENDING: PODCASTED
B4: THE MUSICAL
You walk into the theatre, its dark- almost silent if only for a the faint sound of a tambourine- a spotlight shines around you and tracks you as you step forward toward the stage.
You see a microphone in front of you, a burst of energy within you hurrying you on as a stage hand puts a tuxedo jacket on you, they give you a knowing glance and then a nod to their left- the room floods with light and you see it- the house band- First Aids of Spray, about to perform their number one signal “Now That’s Probably called Survival Horror.”
You are gestured to the microphone and the crowd begins to cheer.
You swear you can see Sam Lake in the crowd, doing that silly Max Payne Grimace face yet smiling at the same time. Anyhow, it is time TO SING!
You have UNLOCKED- OMG ALAN WAKE SPOILERS GOSH ENDING
C1. THE PAST
The silly part is, nostalgia being what it is, you can easily get lost in it. Revisiting and remembering the past to the point it almost becomes as vivid as it once was. Your thoughts filter through you.
It’s then that you begin to… time travel. To the previous Troblem Solver… two years ago. What a cop out this could have been a whole bit about old game instead its
YOU HAVE UNLOCKED THE FLASHBACK ROUTE, TECHNICALLY AND ENDING BUT THE END IS NEVER THE END IS NEVER THE END
D. The Little Words.
OH NO YOU DIDN’T DID YOU, Your world crumbles around you, your house, the street- all gone. Matter shifts, light fades in and out as you feel a sense of round vertigo. You pass out from the experience.
An unknown amount of time passes. You feel a brush of frozen, almost alien air- it is only then you open your eyes, your greeted by the most horrifying sight of your life, Your in some kind of scifi prison dungeon cell, a big screen next to your bunk with the words ORIGINAL CHARACTER, your name- and you’ve been convicted for quadruple A game development.
Your sentence is so horrible, you can barely bring yourself to read it.
You must spend the next 7-8 hours one-hundred percenting the Callisto Protocol while Glenn Schoefield insists it’s the best survival horror game made this year.
Healing from this will take way too long, you have a mouth and should probably scream. Probably should’ve just podcasted instead. OH WELL, HOPEFULLY THERE WILL BE A TRUE ENDING DLC EH
You have UNLOCKED- THE WORST ENDING: CALLISTO PROTOCOL’D
E. You chose to: Break free.
A wild chaotic power begins coursing through you, your shoulders wobble and begin to slowly burst, snapping. It is time to break free, you think. With effort you begin to push out extra, stronger arms from your shoulders, equipped with sharp blade like bones, they stretch out of your flesh. You easily rend yourself free from your constraints of the medical gurney and let out a blood curling howl.
The podcast meeting? We have 100% missed it.
Blood and viscera erupt throughout your joints, your muscles. Your vision begins to cloud again, but there isn’t fear, just peace.
You have found divine purpose. Reformatted, rebuilt,redesigned -and finally free of those other strange voices in your mind- it is time to gather, to hunt and kill.
The last thoughts that you could think are just three words on repeat in your head.
Make. Us. Whole.
Congratulations on being one of the Markers chosen.
You have UNLOCKED- VERY DEAD SPACE MATE. NECROMORPH INNIT